Bella's Brother
by Darth Lego Master
Summary: After getting dumped, Bella gets a visit from her dear old brother.


**N/A: A one shot based on a funny idea. Enjoy.**

 **I own nothing but the story.**

Bella's Brother

"I don't want you anymore."

"But… I thought you loved me?"

"No, I never loved you. Your no good for me. Good bye, Bella."

And with that, Edward disappeared into the forest at vampire speed leaving Bella standing there, dumbfounded.

 _How could he do that?_ Bella thought. _How DARE he do that?! Just dump me and say he doesn't want me anymore? What am I, a dog?_

In fact, as Bella began to walk out of the woods, she stared to wonder exactly what she had seen in Edward Cullen. He was a vampire (wow, vampires are real, big shock) but that novelty had worn off quickly when she realised how much of a personality he severely lacked. He didn't even do the stuff that vampires were famous for i.e. live in castles, turn into bats, sleep in coffins or burn in the sunlight. Honestly, sparkling. That was just a whole new level of lame. On the upside, at least he was super strong and fast, and had fallen so madly in love with her that he seemed willing to do anything for her. Now _there_ was an opportunity to have some fun.

Bella shook her head and sighed. But it was not to be. After that incident with that retard Jasper that morning, Edward had decided to take his family and leave Forks to _protect her._

"Arrgh!" She kicked at a low branch in frustration. It was times like this she wished her brother was here. God, she missed him.

A few days later Bella sat in an arm chair staring out of the rain-soaked window. Boy, was she bored. The sound of the rain outside was numbing her brain. She would kill to hear a laugh or crack a smile. She grabbed the remote and clicked on the TV.

Cooking channel.

Click.

Sports.

Click.

Some crappy soup opera.

Click.

An Adam Sandler movie.

 _Click._

A news story about the Justice League saving some portentously named city. Again.

 _SMASH!_

The screen shattered as Bella hurled the remote at the poor defenceless television, her blood boiling.

"God, those do-gooders make me sick!" she cried out loud, jumping off the sofa. "Dressing up like a gay pride parade and getting showered with praise just for saving a few cats out of trees. What about the people who actually go out there and do stuff? What do they get?"

"In my experience, a beating from Batsy and a long haul in Arkham."

That voice. It was high and melodic, with the slight infringement of a high class British accent. That was the voice Bella had been dying to hear for months. She turned around and saw him standing there with his emerald green hair and chalk white skin, his blood red lips stretched into an impossibly wide smile that showed off his yellow teeth. He was dressed in his trademark purple and green suite topped off with a matching fedora hat. To the people of Gotham City, he was known as the self-proclaimed 'Clown Prince of Crime', a mass murdering psychopath and arch nemesis of their beloved Dark Knight. Bella Swan just knew him as her big brother.

"Hello, sis," said the Joker.

Bella ran to him and embraced her brother. "Joker! Oh, good God, you don't know how great it is to see you!"

"Likewise, Belly! So, tell me, how's old Chuckers treating you?" Joker asked.

He was talking about Charlie of course. "Same as usual," Bella replied with a sneer. "I've still no idea who died and made him police chief, though. That guy makes Gordon look competent -"

"And that's saying a lot," Joker added with a smirk.

"-and he can't even figure out there's a whole family of vampires living in this dump of a town."

Joker cocked his head questioningly as Bella realised what she had let slip. "Ah, yes that. It's a long story."

"One that I can't wait to hear all about!" Joker wondered over to the sofa and relaxed into it, while Bella stood by the shattered TV.

"So, where's Harley?"

Joker grinned nastily. "I gave her a vacation."

Bella returned the grin. "I don't know why you hang out with that bimbo. She drives me crazy."

"Well, sis, you gonna tell me about this 'vampire' stuff or are we just going to talk about our social lives?"

"Well, I met this vampire, Edward Cullen, and we started dating."

"How romantic." Joker pretended to look dreamy. "Tell me, sis, are we talking the tall, dark and handsome undead type from Transylvania who drink blood and turn into bats?"

"Hardly. These vampires only drink the blood of animals and they _sparkle_ in the sun, can you imagine that? And as for 'tall, dark and handsome' Edward looks fine but he has all the personality of a pile of rocks in a plastic bag. I only went out with him because I thought I could get him to do stuff for me. I put on the helpless-damsel-in-distress act." Bella smiled proudly. "And the really funny thing is, everyone fell for it!"

"Is that so?" Joker burst into a high pitch laugh. "Now that really is funny! Show me. Come on, Bells, show me _pleeese_!"

On her brother's request, Bella adjusted her stance and facial expression. She shuffled her feet together, fumbled awkwardly with her hands and let her bottom lip hang open. She looked so venerable and helpless.

"Bravo!" Joker applauded. "What a performance. The lip thing a is nice touch."

Bella dropped the act and gave an appreciative bow.

"Sounds like Eddie would have killed for you."

"That is _exactly_ what I had in mind."

"Well don't stop now, tell me more!"

"Ah, ah, ah," Bella waggled her finger. "In a minute. First I have something to show you."

"Show me? Show me what?"

"It's a surprise."

"Oooh, I love surprises!" Joker watched his sister rush upstairs. While he was pondering why the TV was smashed beyond all conceivable repair, the doorbell rang.

"Now, I wonder who that could be?" Grinning, Joker got up and went answer the door whilst humming a tune about going loony. When he opened the door a teenage boy with sandy blond hair was standing on the front porch in the pouring rain. He flinched in surprise when he saw the Joker.

"Who are you?"

"Birthday clown," Joker lied.

The boy nodded in realisation and gave a cocky half smile. "I thought Bella would have out grown clowns?"

"Oh, far from it. And who might you be exactly?"

"I'm Mike. I go to school with Bella. She kinda seemed torn up about her break up with Edward. We were having a party this weekend and Jessica wanted to know if she wants to come."

Joker said nothing, just pondering what to do with this young lad. Eventually he extended the invitation. "Why don't you come in, son? You'll catch your death out there."

"Thank you." Mike stepped through the door, shaking the rain off his coat.

"Bella is just upstairs, she'll be down soon," Joker told him. "Why not sit down and unwind."

"Um, sure." Mike started taking off his coat when Joker grabbed it, yanked it from his shoulders and carelessly threw it in a corner. Mike was left standing in his t-shirt and jeans. He glanced awkwardly at the Joker, who was still smiling at him. The house was cold, making Mike hug himself as the chill bit at the exposed skin of his arms.

"So, you're a birthday clown?"

"Amongst other things. It's more of a hobby I supposes."

"Then I guess you must know Bella's father, right?"

"Oh, Chuckers and I go way back. I got him out of a spot of bother a few years ago, and now he helps me out whenever I need a favour."

Mike gulped. He was liking this clown less and less every minute. There was just something about him that creeped him out. While he was contemplating getting out of there, the clown continued.

"Yes, Charlie is one hell of a friend. I wish I could have come earlier to catch up on old times. Pity he's out." Joker looked out of the window and observed the street. At midday, most people were out at work or school. It was all very quiet. One might even say peaceful. He turned back to Mike, still smiling. "In fact, looks like the majority of the folks around here are out. I'd even say we were the only souls for miles around. No one else to talk to. No one to share a laugh."

In a split second, Joker slammed the door shut. He turned back to Mike, his eyes full of insanity. "No one to hear your screams!"

Mike stood there, petrified. Joker was blocking his only escape route and the clown was closing in on him. He shuddered as Joker began rummaging through his jacket pocket, dreading what was going to be pulled out. He threw up his arms in a pathetic attempt at self-defence. "Stay the hell away from me!"

But Joker ignored his plea and began to laugh. From his purple jacket, he pulled a revolver with a very long barrel and aimed it at Mike's head. "Now, Blondie, want to hear a joke?"

"Look, if you just let me go," Mike tried to reason, "I swear I won't tell anyone about you!"

"But Blondie, we could have so much fun! I was thinking I strap a grenade to your… jumping jesters, sis!"

Before Mike could comprehend what the clown was talking about, someone laughed behind him. It was very similar to Joker's, only with a higher pitch and a more feminine tone. Mike turned around and, when he saw the person standing on the stairs, his jaw hit the floor.

She was leaning against the wall with more confidence than he had ever seen her display, arms crossed, legs far apart. Her dark hair was dyed the same dark purple as Joker's suit. In fact, she was wearing a similarly styled tailcoat, only in emerald green. She had smeared her face with white face paint and her lips were stained blood red, extending her smile to face splitting proportions.

The purple haired girl casually brushed past Mike, a slight strut in her step, and faced the Joker. "What do you think?"

"Oh, sis, it's marvellous!" Joker beamed at her. "Tell me, who do you take after? Because whoever they are, they must have great taste."

"The very best!" she declared proudly.

"Bella?" Mike blurted out at last. "W-what's going on? Why are you dressed like that? And who's h-"

Mike felt the wind leave him as the purple haired girl shoved him against the wall, her arm crushing his throat. "Oh Mike." She smiled at him. "You never could keep that big mouth of yours shut." Mike let out a cry of pain when her fist connected with his stomach. Her smile was replaced by a sneer that grotesquely shifted her features into a frightful look. "Seeing how my darling brother hasn't yet put you in the picture, allow me to give you some insight."

"Bella…" Mike croaked.

" _No_!" the purple haired girl snarled. "That pathetic, co-dependent, shuffling waste of human life you call Bella Swan _does not exist!_ I made her up. God, you have no idea what it was like for me to have to pretend to be someone too weak to even be allowed to live. And being around you, Jessica and those frog spawn at school was the worst of it. You all liked, poor, helpless, shy Bella. You make me sick, with your hashtags and Facebook likes! Bah, you're all one big joke yourself. And your precious Bella, who I know _you_ had a crush on, Mikey, was an invention, a _joke_ if you like. And I'm the punchline!"

With her last word, she threw Mike to the floor and stamped on his back when he tried to get up. "So, if you're wondering what to refer to me as from now on," she continued, digging her heel into the small of his back. "Call me Jape."

"B-b-but…" Mike spluttered in pain. "Your father is the chief of police?"

"What, good, honest Chief Swan?" Jape said sarcastically. "Charlie may act clean, but deep down he's as corrupt as they come."

"But what about your mother in Phoenix?"

"I never lived in Phoenix. Heck, Charlie doesn't even have a wife there. The past few years I've been in Gotham." Jape turned her head to her brother, grinning proudly. "Learning from the best."

"I let her tang along on a few heists," Joker said with a laugh. "From a distance of course. Didn't want Batsy meeting her just yet."

"And now, I'm ready to make my big debut!" Jape dug her heel further into the small of Mike's back, making his cries of pain even louder. "Jape, the Clown Princess of Crime, ready to take Gotham City by storm! I'll show them all what cruel joke they call life they've been leading!"

"Your insane!" Mike yelled.

"Ah, Mike, you make me such a sad clown. Why so serious all the time?"

Jape suddenly leaped onto Mike and dug her teeth into his shoulder. Mike screamed but Jape closed his mouth with a gloved hand. She pulled with her teeth, ripping a bloody chunk of flesh from his shoulder.

Mike's screams of agony rang in Jape's ears. She reached into her coat and drew out a flic knife. She pressed the sharp tip of the blade against Mike's Adam's Apple. She looked into his eyes, which were streaming with tears.

"You're scared," she hissed. "Good."

Mike screamed one more time as Jape drove the blade into his throat. He very quickly fell silent.

Jape stood up, putting the knife away. She didn't bother to wipe the blood off of her mouth. She turned around to face her brother, who was just grinning proudly at her.

Jape walked towards the door. When she reached the threshold, she turned back and said through a blood splattered smile, "Come on then. My public awaits."


End file.
